Learning to Love and Anguish

I was going to say that it has been a while since I've wrote but that would be the understatement of the year. Life has a way of slipping past while you're not watching and often, even though art and writing are two of my greatest loves and some of the best things for me in terms of destressing in the midst of a stressful life, they seem to take the longest and in my crazy life seem to be the last thing I get around to. Especially when it comes to this blog which I doubt most people read. Anyway... here I am.

The last post I wrote was pretty depressing... I feel like all of my posts are because I generally write when I'm pensive and moody or upset. And, though that is the case to some extent as I write now I hope this will be to some extent more uplifting due to the fact I'm actually making progress I feel even though it's not easy the way in which I'm learning much of it.

My last post had to do with what I wanted in this new school year but I don't think I had the faintest idea of what I was getting into and God has a way of never taking us exactly where we think we would be. So, I'd like to talk a little about where I'm at now.

Last semester was probably the hardest of my life. This year has been one of the hardest of my life - but then again I probably have said that about a lot of seasons of my life, of course the present always is the most imminent and impactful time to us as humans it seems. At any rate, this year, or year and a half I suppose, has been a year of big changes. My parents moved, I've spent my first year completely on my own, I've had my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first extended separation from that person, my first engagement, my dad has been in and out of the hospital and having multiple surgeries and complications several hours away, I've had two new jobs - both with a lot of challenges. And more, but I won't get into particulars. With all this change and decisions I've had to make has made comes the propensity to be very self-centered. And I will admit I don't think have never been more self-centered, selfish, and unloving as this since becoming a Christian. Last semester was a nightmare created by my selfishness and my excuses for being selfish and my self-declared independence as I let my excuses push me even further away from the one I needed to cling even tighter to, Christ. Instead I blamed my situation and unhappiness on anything but myself which was really the problem.

Life is like a Ferris wheel, every time you reach the summit of the ride and feel like you're on top of the situation you come back down and under and around and go through everything you did before, the view may change some, new people may pass by but it's the same position you were in before. Every time I think I have the fundamentals of life, love and the Christian walk down I end up going back, down and around, the people surrounding the situation may change but I always end up at the end of myself and back at God's feet and having to relearn everything I thought I knew and having fundamental truths renewed in my life.

So here I am, on the other end of the end of myself, God has shown me just how wretched, unloving and sinful I am without him and now he is restoring the joy of my salvation, my strength and teaching me once again how to love. The main things he is teaching me are

1. I cannot make excuses for myself being unloving or not pursuing Christ.
2. The Christian life is not about me and my learning and pursuit of Christ should be love-centered God- glorifying and others-seeking.
3. It DOESN'T MATTER HOW I FEEL! It's about having enough humility(not self-degradation but putting others first) to love sacrificially and without a thought for myself. Trusting God to take care of me as I care for and love others.
4. I can't stop with "casual love," I need to "anguish" for people, be broken for people to the point I would give my life, my eternity for theirs. (Romans 9:2-3)
5. "The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom" and I know that without a proper fear of God and his justice I won't - and don't - take my sin seriously. And I must take my sin more seriously. I want to be broken so I can love others and serve God more.

I have been praying that God gives me a greater fear for him, more brokenness over my sin and greater love for others. I have been praying that I would have a heart that ANGUISHES for others. And he has been transforming me and my joy is full and my heart is full and my relationships are fuller and more meaningful.

Today, specifically, God has been working on the anguish part. I received a phone call today from a good friend of mine from high school. This girl has been through everything. Her father was an abusive alcoholic, she's basically raised her siblings and her step father was abusive in every way and raped her. Her mother was verbally abusive and lost herself. She has been used and abused by every guy she has ever been with and after moving away from her home town - where I met her - and the little support she had she went off a deep end. Drinking, partying, boys, nightmares of being raped - no therapist can undo damage like that. Through everything this girl has held on, been strong - for her younger siblings especially - I'm one of the few people she's let down some of those barriers with. I've kept in contact some but over the past year less than I should have. I hadn't talked to her since this past summer. And today she called me.

We small talked about how a bunch of people we went to school with are getting married and having kids and then, quietly, "I got pregnant." I had felt this coming, I had been scared for a day when she would say this. Her and the dad broke up of course, she had an abortion. They told her at Planned Parenthood (parenthood? REALLY?!?! You're killing the thing that MAKES them a parent!!!!) that because she was ONLY five weeks and five days and the baby didn't have a heartbeat that it wasn't abortion - it would just be a pill and a "miscarriage" it would just "flush her body out." She said it took five minutes to swallow that pill, she couldn't do it, but she did. She only slept six hours over the course of the next week. She knew it was an abortion, she knew it was a life, she knew they lied and yet... and yet a broken girl took the "only" option that she felt she had. Her innocence had been robbed since she was young, she'd lost her life and all her hope so long ago and in as a result she took a life.

A few days later she also found out her sister and her friend got in a horrible car accident and were both hospitalized with multiple broken bones and internal injuries - lucky to even be alive. She also might lose her job because of the week of work she missed during all of this.

She told me all of this, flat voiced, "strong," and then before I could say anything really said she had to go but she'd call back in a little while. I prayed for wisdom of what to say and do. I wanted to offer her a way out, a place to rest and find hope in God, to be encouraged and strengthened. I immediately thought of my parents but I know they are in no position for that, but I had to call anyway, it just felt right. I called my mom and she prayed with me and for her. I didn't tell her that I wanted her to take this girl in, I knew it wasn't the solution but my heart was breaking. It was in anguish for her. My mom said she would have taken the baby. I, I would have taken that baby. And maybe if I would have stayed in better contact with this friend I could have encouraged her, I could have helped her, I could have supported her, maybe I could have done something to save this life and yet I hadn't and I'll never know if I missed an opportunity God had given me to save a life. She never called back.

I went to see my fiance' and told him what happened. He said I couldn't blame myself and I know it's over now and yet I can't ignore what my selfishness and thoughtlessness may have caused. And even more, that baby... that life. I've had residents and coworkers in the residence hall I work in have abortions or consider abortions, I've seen multiple acquaintances deal with teen pregnancies or pregnancies in college and single parenthood but I've never had someone so close to my heart have an abortion.

I don't know if it was the situation, the time or maybe some of both and some of God working on my heart but my heart ANGUISHED like I have never felt it. I cried, I wailed, I've never felt such grief. Ryan held me as I sobbed "She killed the baby... She killed the baby...." I've never cried that hard in my life. I cried so hard the tears choked me. I cried so hard my sobs turned into wails. I felt like my heart was ripped out of chest and stabbed repeatedly.... no, that doesn't even explain it. I can't describe that kind of pain. I was physically in pain it hurt so bad. I can't imagine how much worse it must be for her, the mother. I wanted that baby, I wanted to hold it in my arms and protect it I wanted to hold it close to my heart and breathe life back into it. I imagined the blood, the afterbirth, the "miscarriage" and I wanted to rip the faces off the people at planned parenthood and scream at them. I was enraged at them but it was the kind of rage that comes with a pain so intense it becomes numbing and blinding. I truly don't think I've ever felt such pain and desperation before. It's a desperation and anguish for my friend - I want her to hope and healing, joy and a peace that surpasses all understanding. Anguish for her life and innocence that was so brutally taken away and anguish for the life that never was.

Don't ask God for anguish unless you want to feel it. Don't ask for anguish unless you want a pain so unspeakable you can't breathe.

Summer and Homelessness

Summer has always been a time of relaxation, friends and fun. Days at the lake, vacations to the ocean, swimming in the river near my house, hiking, roadtrips, eating Dairy Queen, driving around with windows down singing at the top of my lungs - and all of this with the people I love the most. Almost always going by too fast. This summer hasn't been like that.

This summer has been almost everything opposite. Everyone I love is far away, and I've only seen them under the circumstances of when my dad was hospitalized. All I have done is work and each day has been an excrutiating countdown to when I won't be alone anymore and my summer job would be over. I feel like this summer has been waisted. Like I haven't accomplished anything and I've lost something that means so much to me.

This summer would have been my last summer in Missoula - Home. My last summer with all of my closest friends. My parents are moving. To the middle of nowhere. Two of my best friends are moving to Texas, another is getting married, and the other one lives in Minnesota now. Moving is part of moving on, of growing up, I understand and yet my heart aches, especially missing my last chance at going home.

My parents new house will never be home and my friends will never be there.And Missoula isn't home without the people. In a sense, I feel "homeless." Where I live now is not home, it is where I go to school and work.

I feel restless like I've been in one place to long and uprooted like I have nowhere to return to. I know God put me in this place for a reason, I know this summer wasn't a mistake but my heart reels in revulsion to the thought of never going home to Missoula again and of yet more changes.

I've always been one to move around, to get restless, to want change, but at the end of the day I'm a home-body and I like to know that I can go home where it always seems timeless in sense, comfortable.

I don't know what God is up to but I know that he has something for me, and that he doesn't make mistakes. My lonliness, my restlessness, my heartache, it's for a reason and he has a plan.

I always get nastalgic this time of year, it's always full of change.

Summer is over, my job is over, in a few days people will start coming back to school and training for my new job as a Resident Assistant will start. Classes will start right after that. I'm excited for people and for school. For stuff to keep be busy. I'm not looking forward to the politics and unending exhaustion however.

This place is a spiritual desert, I'm praying for someone to minister to this coming school year and for someone that can mentor and encourage me too. There's so many places I want to go, so many places I want to be, so many people that need reached and though many do here I feel like I'm hitting my head against a stone wall and the christians here only mediocre hypocrits who talk a lot but when it comes down to fighting real battles with real confrontation they aren't willing to do it. And no one is open to God here. So I pray. As much as I feel restless like there is somewhere else I have to be I know God has me here for now and I know that is not a mistake, I know that he has a work to do in and through me, that he has a bigger plan he is accomplishing. So I try to focuse on him and his will, his plan, to sit at his feet, to stare in his holy face and bring glory and honor to him. That is what he asks, that is what I need, and all these things will fall into place according to his plan.

Sometimes this feeling of desperation is overwhelming, I feel like I'm being strangled for oxygen. This place is stifling.

Preserving

My fingers pluck apart a rose, it is nearly dead. I'm pulling it apart to press the petals, to preserve what life is left. But as I get closer to the heart of the flower, the petals become more crimson, more velvety, more beautiful, more alive and more reproachful in their stare. I feel like I ruthlessly pulled apart a small child. The tiny exposed seeds at the flowers heart seem to cringe, naked. The wellspring of life will no longer bloom. The sweet scent bleeds into the air, like the silent reproach of the dead and the scent of blood on the battlefield. Something so beautiful, I was trying to preserve, but it's dying breath leaves me feeling like a murderer. Sometimes I feel my help is really no help at all.

Paradox

Life has felt like such a paradox lately; pulling two ways, contradicting in every way. Sunshine and cold, happiness and sadness, laughter and tears, love and hurt, stress and relaxation, spring trying to break in while winter still grasps for more. New life in my little nephew a couple days ago and the death of my grandma last night. Young and old, death and life, hope and uncertainty. But in the middle of all this I can say " it is well," for he is my rock and my salvation, my hope and strong deliverer. He never fails, he is constant and unchanging, he is good, he is powerful, and his mercies are new every day.

Life as I Know It

The electric guitar being played in the room above mine feels like a scalpul being scraped slowly across my exposed brain and nerves. This kid has been playing all day today and all last night. The international student I was going to interview and do a profile on for the paper is not answering my e-mail, and of course, no phone. But I got my other articles in.



Life for me mostly consists of writing for the paper, homework, work, counceling messed up people, and spending time with my boyfriend. Life is good, but as far as spiritual challenges and encouragement go, there's not a lot. Finals week is closing in. the semester is almost over and though it's been great and I've learned a lot and met some awesome people, looking back I wonder where it has gone. A lot of things have happened, even big things, like starting to date Ryan, but when I look my life previous to college what stands out the most is the moments when I was with God, when I was used by him, when I was spiritually encouraged or challenged, and I realize that's what's missing from college so far. It's not memorable moments - there's plenty of those - but it's the spiritual mile markers that have so defined the rest of my life, things I look back on and find encouragement and strength from. There aren't any since coming to college. Life is good, but I want more. I've had more. I want more of God. I want to be changed and challenged and molded into the person he wants me to be. I want to be pushed to be better, to make mile markers. I crave that. This next semester I tried to set classes up with all that in mind, so hopefully it will be better.

I'm excited to be going home in two weeks and seeing all my friends but figuring out how I'm getting home has been frusterating. Also going to miss Ryan a lot. He wanted me to come see him for part of break but, again, getting there is the problem. Everything is so expensive!

Up and Down

I'm sitting here, while my roommate watches reality TV, as always,... wanting to sleep but I only have fifteen minutes before my next thing. So here I am. Writing. I miss this, just writing what I feel, writing how it comes out, writing just for fun, for release. The only writing I have time for is articles these days - articles in AP style, articles that are unbiased with no commentary. I'm learning a lot, and getting a lot better and starting to actualy enjoy it, but I still miss this kind of writing. More than that though, I miss having time. I miss being able to release. To do nothing. To be alone. To sit. To rest. To sit with God, in quite, completely alone, with nothing pressing, nothing I have to rush off to. I miss that.

My Unshed Tears

I feel like my chest will explode.

I can't breathe.

but I can't cry,

because everywhere I turn there's people,

but I can't let them see,

because this pain is their pain,

it's the pain they've given me.

How do you tell someone that they are tearing you apart?

How do you tell them their hapiness is your pain.

their love is your hurt.

I've lost a best friend to a relationship.

I've lost a relationship to a friend.

It's twisted and backwards,

It doesn't make sense.

And so my heart aches,

my chest hurts

I feel like my my head is spinning out of controle

it's spinning so fast my heart can't keep up,

it hurts.

I'm sick.

my stomach clenches.

I actually want to throw up,

maybe then all this will somehow go away.

maybe it will get rid of the pain

maybe if I vomit out all that is in me,

I won't have anything left inside,

maybe then it won't hurt.

maybe then I won't feel every tear in my heart.

but then again, maybe it's true that it's better to "hurt than feel nothing at all".

It doesn't matter though, because I can't.

I feel like a million tiny shards of glass are tearing my heart to shreds,

I feel each individual crystal peirce the flesh of my heart,

each time I breathe, each time my heart flexes and straigns for life, they dig in.

It hurts.

It's not even just mental pain, it's physical,

it's literally tearing at me,

it's mentaly tearing at me,

every part of me hurts.

I want to scream, I want to run,

I want to break down and cry till I stop breathing,

then maybe my heart will stop striving and all this pain will go away.