Summer has always been a time of relaxation, friends and fun. Days at the lake, vacations to the ocean, swimming in the river near my house, hiking, roadtrips, eating Dairy Queen, driving around with windows down singing at the top of my lungs - and all of this with the people I love the most. Almost always going by too fast. This summer hasn't been like that.
This summer has been almost everything opposite. Everyone I love is far away, and I've only seen them under the circumstances of when my dad was hospitalized. All I have done is work and each day has been an excrutiating countdown to when I won't be alone anymore and my summer job would be over. I feel like this summer has been waisted. Like I haven't accomplished anything and I've lost something that means so much to me.
This summer would have been my last summer in Missoula - Home. My last summer with all of my closest friends. My parents are moving. To the middle of nowhere. Two of my best friends are moving to Texas, another is getting married, and the other one lives in Minnesota now. Moving is part of moving on, of growing up, I understand and yet my heart aches, especially missing my last chance at going home.
My parents new house will never be home and my friends will never be there.And Missoula isn't home without the people. In a sense, I feel "homeless." Where I live now is not home, it is where I go to school and work.
I feel restless like I've been in one place to long and uprooted like I have nowhere to return to. I know God put me in this place for a reason, I know this summer wasn't a mistake but my heart reels in revulsion to the thought of never going home to Missoula again and of yet more changes.
I've always been one to move around, to get restless, to want change, but at the end of the day I'm a home-body and I like to know that I can go home where it always seems timeless in sense, comfortable.
I don't know what God is up to but I know that he has something for me, and that he doesn't make mistakes. My lonliness, my restlessness, my heartache, it's for a reason and he has a plan.
I always get nastalgic this time of year, it's always full of change.
Summer is over, my job is over, in a few days people will start coming back to school and training for my new job as a Resident Assistant will start. Classes will start right after that. I'm excited for people and for school. For stuff to keep be busy. I'm not looking forward to the politics and unending exhaustion however.
This place is a spiritual desert, I'm praying for someone to minister to this coming school year and for someone that can mentor and encourage me too. There's so many places I want to go, so many places I want to be, so many people that need reached and though many do here I feel like I'm hitting my head against a stone wall and the christians here only mediocre hypocrits who talk a lot but when it comes down to fighting real battles with real confrontation they aren't willing to do it. And no one is open to God here. So I pray. As much as I feel restless like there is somewhere else I have to be I know God has me here for now and I know that is not a mistake, I know that he has a work to do in and through me, that he has a bigger plan he is accomplishing. So I try to focuse on him and his will, his plan, to sit at his feet, to stare in his holy face and bring glory and honor to him. That is what he asks, that is what I need, and all these things will fall into place according to his plan.
Sometimes this feeling of desperation is overwhelming, I feel like I'm being strangled for oxygen. This place is stifling.
