Learning to Love and Anguish

I was going to say that it has been a while since I've wrote but that would be the understatement of the year. Life has a way of slipping past while you're not watching and often, even though art and writing are two of my greatest loves and some of the best things for me in terms of destressing in the midst of a stressful life, they seem to take the longest and in my crazy life seem to be the last thing I get around to. Especially when it comes to this blog which I doubt most people read. Anyway... here I am.

The last post I wrote was pretty depressing... I feel like all of my posts are because I generally write when I'm pensive and moody or upset. And, though that is the case to some extent as I write now I hope this will be to some extent more uplifting due to the fact I'm actually making progress I feel even though it's not easy the way in which I'm learning much of it.

My last post had to do with what I wanted in this new school year but I don't think I had the faintest idea of what I was getting into and God has a way of never taking us exactly where we think we would be. So, I'd like to talk a little about where I'm at now.

Last semester was probably the hardest of my life. This year has been one of the hardest of my life - but then again I probably have said that about a lot of seasons of my life, of course the present always is the most imminent and impactful time to us as humans it seems. At any rate, this year, or year and a half I suppose, has been a year of big changes. My parents moved, I've spent my first year completely on my own, I've had my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first extended separation from that person, my first engagement, my dad has been in and out of the hospital and having multiple surgeries and complications several hours away, I've had two new jobs - both with a lot of challenges. And more, but I won't get into particulars. With all this change and decisions I've had to make has made comes the propensity to be very self-centered. And I will admit I don't think have never been more self-centered, selfish, and unloving as this since becoming a Christian. Last semester was a nightmare created by my selfishness and my excuses for being selfish and my self-declared independence as I let my excuses push me even further away from the one I needed to cling even tighter to, Christ. Instead I blamed my situation and unhappiness on anything but myself which was really the problem.

Life is like a Ferris wheel, every time you reach the summit of the ride and feel like you're on top of the situation you come back down and under and around and go through everything you did before, the view may change some, new people may pass by but it's the same position you were in before. Every time I think I have the fundamentals of life, love and the Christian walk down I end up going back, down and around, the people surrounding the situation may change but I always end up at the end of myself and back at God's feet and having to relearn everything I thought I knew and having fundamental truths renewed in my life.

So here I am, on the other end of the end of myself, God has shown me just how wretched, unloving and sinful I am without him and now he is restoring the joy of my salvation, my strength and teaching me once again how to love. The main things he is teaching me are

1. I cannot make excuses for myself being unloving or not pursuing Christ.
2. The Christian life is not about me and my learning and pursuit of Christ should be love-centered God- glorifying and others-seeking.
3. It DOESN'T MATTER HOW I FEEL! It's about having enough humility(not self-degradation but putting others first) to love sacrificially and without a thought for myself. Trusting God to take care of me as I care for and love others.
4. I can't stop with "casual love," I need to "anguish" for people, be broken for people to the point I would give my life, my eternity for theirs. (Romans 9:2-3)
5. "The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom" and I know that without a proper fear of God and his justice I won't - and don't - take my sin seriously. And I must take my sin more seriously. I want to be broken so I can love others and serve God more.

I have been praying that God gives me a greater fear for him, more brokenness over my sin and greater love for others. I have been praying that I would have a heart that ANGUISHES for others. And he has been transforming me and my joy is full and my heart is full and my relationships are fuller and more meaningful.

Today, specifically, God has been working on the anguish part. I received a phone call today from a good friend of mine from high school. This girl has been through everything. Her father was an abusive alcoholic, she's basically raised her siblings and her step father was abusive in every way and raped her. Her mother was verbally abusive and lost herself. She has been used and abused by every guy she has ever been with and after moving away from her home town - where I met her - and the little support she had she went off a deep end. Drinking, partying, boys, nightmares of being raped - no therapist can undo damage like that. Through everything this girl has held on, been strong - for her younger siblings especially - I'm one of the few people she's let down some of those barriers with. I've kept in contact some but over the past year less than I should have. I hadn't talked to her since this past summer. And today she called me.

We small talked about how a bunch of people we went to school with are getting married and having kids and then, quietly, "I got pregnant." I had felt this coming, I had been scared for a day when she would say this. Her and the dad broke up of course, she had an abortion. They told her at Planned Parenthood (parenthood? REALLY?!?! You're killing the thing that MAKES them a parent!!!!) that because she was ONLY five weeks and five days and the baby didn't have a heartbeat that it wasn't abortion - it would just be a pill and a "miscarriage" it would just "flush her body out." She said it took five minutes to swallow that pill, she couldn't do it, but she did. She only slept six hours over the course of the next week. She knew it was an abortion, she knew it was a life, she knew they lied and yet... and yet a broken girl took the "only" option that she felt she had. Her innocence had been robbed since she was young, she'd lost her life and all her hope so long ago and in as a result she took a life.

A few days later she also found out her sister and her friend got in a horrible car accident and were both hospitalized with multiple broken bones and internal injuries - lucky to even be alive. She also might lose her job because of the week of work she missed during all of this.

She told me all of this, flat voiced, "strong," and then before I could say anything really said she had to go but she'd call back in a little while. I prayed for wisdom of what to say and do. I wanted to offer her a way out, a place to rest and find hope in God, to be encouraged and strengthened. I immediately thought of my parents but I know they are in no position for that, but I had to call anyway, it just felt right. I called my mom and she prayed with me and for her. I didn't tell her that I wanted her to take this girl in, I knew it wasn't the solution but my heart was breaking. It was in anguish for her. My mom said she would have taken the baby. I, I would have taken that baby. And maybe if I would have stayed in better contact with this friend I could have encouraged her, I could have helped her, I could have supported her, maybe I could have done something to save this life and yet I hadn't and I'll never know if I missed an opportunity God had given me to save a life. She never called back.

I went to see my fiance' and told him what happened. He said I couldn't blame myself and I know it's over now and yet I can't ignore what my selfishness and thoughtlessness may have caused. And even more, that baby... that life. I've had residents and coworkers in the residence hall I work in have abortions or consider abortions, I've seen multiple acquaintances deal with teen pregnancies or pregnancies in college and single parenthood but I've never had someone so close to my heart have an abortion.

I don't know if it was the situation, the time or maybe some of both and some of God working on my heart but my heart ANGUISHED like I have never felt it. I cried, I wailed, I've never felt such grief. Ryan held me as I sobbed "She killed the baby... She killed the baby...." I've never cried that hard in my life. I cried so hard the tears choked me. I cried so hard my sobs turned into wails. I felt like my heart was ripped out of chest and stabbed repeatedly.... no, that doesn't even explain it. I can't describe that kind of pain. I was physically in pain it hurt so bad. I can't imagine how much worse it must be for her, the mother. I wanted that baby, I wanted to hold it in my arms and protect it I wanted to hold it close to my heart and breathe life back into it. I imagined the blood, the afterbirth, the "miscarriage" and I wanted to rip the faces off the people at planned parenthood and scream at them. I was enraged at them but it was the kind of rage that comes with a pain so intense it becomes numbing and blinding. I truly don't think I've ever felt such pain and desperation before. It's a desperation and anguish for my friend - I want her to hope and healing, joy and a peace that surpasses all understanding. Anguish for her life and innocence that was so brutally taken away and anguish for the life that never was.

Don't ask God for anguish unless you want to feel it. Don't ask for anguish unless you want a pain so unspeakable you can't breathe.