Rereading a Story

I went to orientation last week; it was great, met some great people, became more familiar with the campus, acquired a stalker - already, good grief! I guess college won't be to much different than high school in that respect - had some great times with my mom praying and talking about God during the trip, all in all it was pretty good. But even though we were only there one night and two half-days I couldn't help thinking of all I'm leaving behind. How ridiculous. One night and I'm already in tears just thinking about moving. One night away and I already miss it. It was great, I really liked it, but I can't help but thinking what the heck have I done? What the heck is the matter with me? Coming back home I couldn't help looking around and realizing how truly beautiful Montana is and how bleak Wyoming is by comparison. But coming back home I also realize it's time to move on.

This week held more goodbyes for me, specifically the ones said at my last night at my church youth group, it was hard. Goodbyes are never easy. There's always someone you don't get to say goodbye to, someone you wanted to say so much more to, but can't. As hard as it was - even later on the drive home, with tears rolling down my face - I realized I've already moved on. The reason I've stayed this long is for the younger kids I'm mentoring, etc. and I feel like I'm abandoning them in some ways, which is sad, but as for myself, I've been ready to leave for a while now. Especially leaving and coming back I realize my time is done here, and even as hard as leaving is, I can't come back. It's like trying to reread a book, there's no life or excitement, the story has already been played. Even as you fondly recall your favorite characters of the story, or imagine again the triumphs and failures - even feel the emotion once again - it's over. It's done. You already have lived that story through.

The next few days are filled with yet more goodbyes for me, basically every day up until the day I leave. I hate goodbyes. But not being able to say it is worse. The last time I saw my friend Eli I didn't realize it was my last time, and I didn't say goodbye like I would have. You just can't win when it comes to goodbyes. You just can't win at leaving. The new story is exciting and intriguing but your heart is still tied to the old.